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Good Narrative Principles

July 24, 2023
by Lee Eiferman
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Character Flash: The Cool Girls Club

It came together last year around this time. Hot summer day. You know how it is. You’re hanging out. People let down their guard and you can’t help yourself. You notice things. Like the safe squatting prominently in the life guards’ station. You fixate on it. First up, is figuring out the code, the combination, the what have you. If anyone would know it, it would be Maud, my Boss. I make nice. A tricky thing cuz you don’t want to come off as too “suck-uppy”. I notice she likes coffee. Super sweet, but that’s none of my business. One morning, we’re now in early August, I come in with an extra “oops” cup, as in “Oops, Betsy called in sick. And now, I’ve got an extra coffee…want it?” Like that. We hang. I pump her in the sweetest way imaginable. I want to know her birthday. The address of her childhood home. Etc. Etc. I work it. Now, if say I’m in the mood to go out drinking or buy that pretty scarf in the earring shop which compliments my eyes, I wait until after hours. Then, I swivel the dial this way and that, pop open the safe, and give myself a modest pay raise, somewhere in the neighborhood of an extra ten or twenty. I’m not about to empty the kitty. Why kill the gift which keeps on giving throughout the year?

July 24, 2023
by Lee Eiferman
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Character Flash: We All Vibrate Together

It’s no skin off my nose to say something nice to my neighbors, my kids and my co-worker (who should really learn to deploy his “inside voice”). I try to keep it real. Sincere. I’m not always that effective. I admit I have what one might call a temper, particularly after grueling client calls and right before dinner. You’d be wise to steer clear of me then. My therapist suggested I try picturing all of us vibrating together like atoms on a tilt-a-whirl to mitigate the sting of personalities colliding in space. I’ve been at it for over a year now. So, how am I doing?

(Photo: Tim Duch)

July 13, 2023
by Lee Eiferman
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Character Flash: Zero Perspective

Perhaps it’s because he studies microscopic bits of minerals all day. Monday through Friday you can find him hunched over his multi-million-dollar machine which took years of grant writing to acquire. He peers into the infinite. Sighs. Today he’s combating the urge to eat potato chips as he focuses his microscope. Once the noon bell sounds, he decides to hell with it. He’ll skip the righteous salad. The swamp extract some call green tea. At the vending machine, while waiting for the bag of chips to wind its way down to the collector tray, he spies two undergrads knocking on his office door. He assumes they’ve come to hit him up for an internship or job recommendation. He ducks out of sight. We’re all creatures of habit he decides, shaped by invisible forces we can’t possibly control. Take for instance the now empty bag of chips and the prospect of the endless afternoon.

July 13, 2023
by Lee Eiferman
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Character Flash: Addicted to Yes

It’s quite simple, really. Self-doubt leads to failure. Failure is unacceptable. It doesn’t matter if the ground is shaking under your feet or you find yourself in a bland landscape stretching into eternity, your only hope is to build a sturdy bridge between where you are now, and your bright future. To get there you need a plan. Specifically, a plan for each part of your day. How do you quiet the nagging inner voice which sounds different over coffee than it might at 4 a.m.? Do you have a system in place to forward your agenda? I’m a big believer in the BOLT system. B is for bulls. Their willfulness must be met with conviction. O is for Owls, who buy reluctantly. L is for lambs. T is for tigers. Need I say more?

July 13, 2023
by Lee Eiferman
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Character Flash: The Showboater

You could safely say she is a disaster when it comes to dating. She alternates between wild flights of worrying (arriving too early, too late, who picks up the tab) and fighting the urge to put on a show. When she was a kid, she was sent to every type of summer camp imaginable. Give her a moment’s notice and she’ll perform the classic “Mind Reading Card Trick”, “Impossible Three Card Trick” and, if you like, top it off with a rousing sing along from your standard Broadway musical. On a second date, she might read your palm or analyze your handwriting. The one thing she can’t seem to do is downshift from “always on.” Lately, she’s been suffering from hope fatigue, a condition which apparently plagues devoted fans of dating apps. Now, with her weekends and week nights strangely open, she’s thinking about taking adult ed classes where all that’s asked of her is to listen and jot down notes when the spirit moves her.

May 30, 2023
by Lee Eiferman
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Character Flash: I Keep Hitting the Button…

…and nothing seems to happen. I’m on one screen. I want to quit out of it but it won’t let me. There’s a line forming in front of me. I’m sensing their hostility which makes me tense. So, I try not to look up.

Everyone is at this meeting. I won’t even get into why I wasn’t invited. Can’t say it was the best idea to leave me alone at the desk handling new patient registrations, sick call requests and what have you. I was hoping to finish a new sweater for the little one. But now…I doubt I’ll get any knitting done.

May 30, 2023
by Lee Eiferman
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Character Flash: The Not So Honest Liar

I admit I’m mathematically challenged. As a kid, I was always disappointed by the lame narratives wrapped around a verbal math problem. The alleged story was always crammed with booby traps masquerading as burning questions. I never heard enough about the grandmother riding on the train to visit her family. Who cares when her train will arrive? We still don’t know the most basic things about her.  Was she a good cook? A math whiz? A sharp shooter? Maybe that’s why it took me forever to figure out the game my advisor at the bank was playing when I asked if he sold T-Bills. Naturally, his answer was neither yes or no. Instead, he uncorked a twenty-minute monologue, rendering me numb. He had this uncanny ability to present falsehoods as facts. Like, did you know, in the event of a bank failure, the FDIC can take up to ninety years to pay me back? True? Not true? You tell me.

June 1, 2017
by Lee Eiferman
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The Queen of Fringe

Back in the ‘80’s, when fringe was in fashion, I was it. I dominated the market. I sewed fringe to the outer seams of sleeves, the edge of a fetching clutch bag or the hem of a dress with padded shoulders. They say it’s coming back, but I’ve moved on to the next big thing in my life – stemming the tide of chaos. Rain pours in through the top of closed windows. A boil has erupted on my back. My new lettuce spinner is broken. My days are like that now, an endless stream of pesky chores with no end in sight. Hands down, my brief reign as the Queen of Fringe was way more fun.

May 12, 2017
by Lee Eiferman
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Stakeout

There is no way that the guy who opened the cheese shop across the street uses organic milk. Make that zero chance. Agreed, I am borderline obsessed by what I freely acknowledge is my own bugaboo concerning all things organic. Artisanal. Farm fresh blah blah blah. Consider this: if it’s true, as he claims, that all his cheeses are made from farm yard animals that all are lovingly raised in sheltered environments free of pesticides or any hint of conflict, then he should be charging more. And yet he undercuts me six ways to Sunday. Wish I knew for sure because my bladder is screaming for attention, but I’d be a fool to leave my secret spot on top of the hill with a clear view of his alleged artisanal farm. They’re about to round up the cows. How much you wanna bet they’ll kick one or two of ‘em in their fat behinds?

February 22, 2017
by Lee Eiferman
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Nearing the End

IMG_0066The last two hours of my life were the best, better even that day in the field when I poked Daisy-Lou the idiot cow. I ran cuz I was at the slaughterhouse on a slow-moving line. I saw an opening and BOOM, I went for it. Thundered down the streets of Queens with flat footed, wheezing guys in pursuit. They yelled. They shot at me, but, I kept going, causing all manner of ruckus. I plowed into a bus. A blur of three-year old screaming kids scattered.

Now, that’s what it means to be a bull.