There never was a jar! Never existed.
It must have been a story someone started.
Why? Who knows.
September 14, 2023
by Lee Eiferman
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Category Archives: Heist Story
September 14, 2023
by Lee Eiferman
0 comments
Heist Story: The Door is A Jar
What happened? I’ll tell you what happened. I carry in the tray of cookies. We make nice. Make conversation. Talk about knowing the deceased (may he rest in peace) while working side by side in the Diamond District. This was back in the 80’s, before the street had their security act together.
The mourners perk up. I become a regular story teller. A real Mother Goose.
I ask the Host on behalf of my partner if he could borrow the bedroom for a minute to change into his Santa suit. Don’t want to tie up the bathroom, I add as if I’m the thoughtful type. I show ‘em a corner of the Santa costume. Silk wool blend. Only the best.
The Host is charmed. Jimmy heads off to the bedroom to do his business as I keep up the steady patter. “Oh, and then there was the time…” I’m running out of stories. Jimmy still isn’t out. The cookies are gone. Finished. Consumed. I excuse myself to see what he’s up to.
I find Jimmy staring inside the open safe. It’s empty.
And Jimmy? He’s hopping mad.
September 14, 2023
by Lee Eiferman
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Heist Story: Angel’s Wings
Growing up, my Dad never talked to my class on Career Day. It was understood that safecrackers weren’t invited. Officially, he had a cover job. One year he was a postman. The next, a wine merchant. He remained too disorganized to keep track of which lie he told to whom when, so, I simply made up some sad excuse and left it at that.
My Dad emitted a kind of mischievous friction, like a cross between a movie star and a class clown which attracted unwanted attention in the sleepy suburb where he and my Mom raised us. I can picture my teachers swapping rumors in the break room about my Dad and what he did for a living. He called me his angel. Proudly carried me on his shoulders until we both collapsed in a tickle fest.
I miss him. Probably why I signed up for this lame ass job.
How good is this safecracker? Is there really a jar filled with jewels waiting for us? Will this heist land me on easy street or behind bars?
September 14, 2023
by Lee Eiferman
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Heist Story: Like Pollen on Sunflowers
When people, and by “people” I mean the Bosses, slot me in for a job I tell them that before I can commit, I need you to answer three questions. One: where exactly is the safe. Two: who made it? A name of a manufacturer. Something. A photo would do. And three: approximately how much time do I have?
To my ear, this job smacks of trouble. What’s with the “I’ll tell you about the safe. Blah. Blah. Blah.” NO! That is not blah blah blah. That is everything! I can commune with some locks. Others? I can’t feel. And if you can’t feel ‘em, they don’t open. Another thing: the cute babe assigned to the research arm of the project…I can’t figure her out. She’s like one of those expensive floor models outside my jurisdiction.
And that worries me.
(Photo: Tim Duch)
September 14, 2023
by Lee Eiferman
0 comments
Heist Story: Sorry For Your Loss
It’s common knowledge that this guy has a jar filled with diamonds, gold and rubies locked in his safe. I’ll tell you about the safe…where it is…blah blah in a just a minute. Okay. This jar…I’m picturing a quart sized jar about yo big…sitting there…waiting to be taken.
Now, here’s the beauty of this situation. This guy? He’s in hospice. Meaning it’s a question of time.
If say, you…No, not you, you’re picking the safe…YOU…you were to do a bit of research. Find out, where he was born. Was he president of the homeowners’ association? You see where I’m going with this, right?
We walk in. We’re dressed nice. Bring a tray of cookies. Express our condolences. Mention how we knew him through…?
I don’t know. You tell me.