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Good Narrative Principles

Category Archives: Wild Life

animals, pets, plants et al

September 14, 2023
by Lee Eiferman
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Character Flash: Cracking the Code

During the school year, Dr. Frank lives on a wind farm moored twelve miles off the shore of Nantucket. His partner, Jeremy insists that Dr. Frank could earn more while living closer to home had he just made some adjustments in his life plan. Problem is Dr. Frank is unwilling to walk away from the off-shore wind farm project. It’s too important. The earth is too hot for him to justify abandoning his post simply because it’s inconvenient. And uncomfortable. In truth, the harsh winter winds are nothing to sneeze at. Jeremy has threatened to take the kids, the pets and new sofa and hightail it to Virginia where his people live. Dr. Frank begs him to hang in there. “It’s just another year or so” he shouts above the howling winds. “A year goes back like THAT”.  Punctuates his remark with two snaps, not unlike Mr. Rogers. Jeremy can neither hear the snaps nor Dr. Frank’s final remarks. The wind is too strong. Feeling like their lives will never lock together, Jeremy peruses the first of many real estate sites.

May 30, 2023
by Lee Eiferman
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Character Flash: Help Oscar Find a New Home

The photo is deceiving. Oscar isn’t a terrier or a Cavalier King Charles (though I do love the name of the breed). I’m an animal person, just not really a dog person. Guess you could say my specialty is animals which live in the wild. The wilder the better.

I’m an air traffic controller which is a story for another day. What I most like to do in my spare time is volunteer at the Animal Exchange, helping zoos exchange say an African Elephant for a spare cheetah. I also solicit donations to help with the transport of wild animals from here to there. Feel free to donate. It takes a special skill set to calm an elephant sufficiently to walk into a box and stay calm during the two, three days of transport. Stand by as a bend your heart (and hopefully your wallet) while relaying the story of Oscar, the hyena, slowly losing his mind at Paul Bunyan Animal Land in Bemidji, Wisconsin. He sorely needs a new home in a warmer locale. We’re tax deductible.

June 8, 2017
by Lee Eiferman
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Transition Planning

News of Dr. Anastasius’ pending retirement was greeted with alarm by his long-standing customers. Would he sell his business to a young upstart fresh out of veterinary school, to a heartless franchise populating the local malls or to someone like himself, someone who had a way with animals? You could sense Dr. Anastasius’ special gift in the waiting room, where an unusual calm prevailed, even among the aged dogs, house-bound cats and caged birds awaiting their turn. The local paper ran a tribute to him. The Mayor honored him with a framed plaque. When the doors finally opened on the new veterinarian’s office, Dr. Anastasius’ loyal crop of customers withheld judgement, despite the evident lack of good vibes or thoughtful service. That is, until the new Vet labeled a frightened rescue cat “bad”. That’s when all hell broke loose.

May 12, 2017
by Lee Eiferman
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Stakeout

There is no way that the guy who opened the cheese shop across the street uses organic milk. Make that zero chance. Agreed, I am borderline obsessed by what I freely acknowledge is my own bugaboo concerning all things organic. Artisanal. Farm fresh blah blah blah. Consider this: if it’s true, as he claims, that all his cheeses are made from farm yard animals that all are lovingly raised in sheltered environments free of pesticides or any hint of conflict, then he should be charging more. And yet he undercuts me six ways to Sunday. Wish I knew for sure because my bladder is screaming for attention, but I’d be a fool to leave my secret spot on top of the hill with a clear view of his alleged artisanal farm. They’re about to round up the cows. How much you wanna bet they’ll kick one or two of ‘em in their fat behinds?

February 19, 2014
by Lee Eiferman
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Take the Devil by the Hindmost

photo.JPGThroughout this brutal winter, Eli went diligently first thing in the morning to shovel out his car. It was generally understood on his friendly little block that this spot in front of his townhouse was his. Good manners prevailed through the end of January, right before the last Nor’easter, when suddenly, without warning, the rules changed. Just like every other snow day, Eli was out first thing shoveling. He shoveled as the snow accumulated and the plow trucks undid his hard work. He shoveled and salted so that when he came home that evening he could park, pour himself a stiff drink and call it a day. But when he arrived home that night, another car, a candy-colored Kia to be specific, was backing into his spot. Eli pulled up behind the offending car, jumped out and slapped the other car’s trunk. The other driver, twice Eli’s size, emerged from his car ready to rumble. He wasn’t exactly swinging a golf club; in fact he wasn’t swinging anything other than his square jaw, which seemed to glide back and forth in rhythm with Eli’s pounding heart. Visions of being beat up in Middle School flooded Eli’s imagination as he stood there poised, ready for battle. Having just renewed his health insurance policy, Eli felt bold, furious, and reckless. Crazy like a fox.

(Photo: Dow Sumney)

February 7, 2014
by Lee Eiferman
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Chaos Theory

IMG_0370With a girlfriend comes a lot of things I don’t want including commitment. And money. I’d have to make more money. I’d have to quit this job. Even though I kinda like what I’m doing, it doesn’t have much of a future. I admit I don’t have a “game plan”, no real way to pay off my college loans. I’m not exactly what you’d call a catch, so I probably don’t have to sweat it. It’s not like girls are busting down my door, hungry to get a piece of me. I like to keep things simple. Real simple, as in paycheck to paycheck. So if something, even the slightest thing goes awry, like losing a glove, I’m screwed. And yeah, I did lose a glove yesterday, meaning, I won’t be going out at night until spring cuz another thing I can’t afford is frostbite.

December 13, 2013
by Lee Eiferman
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Bird Brain

BIMG_4465rett grew up to be a man who stored robin nests in his empty kitchen cabinets, the more delicate, the better. Doing exactly what pleased him in his off hours was, he believed, one of the great delights of being an adult. There was no girlfriend, no roommate insisting that he buy plates, forks and spoons, throw something in the microwave (anyone could manage that) and eat dinner at home every now and then. And if dinner proved too much of commitment, there was always breakfast or a late night snack. At one point in his late 20’s, Brett suffered through a parade of girlfriends bent on reforming him. Eventually, they realized that Brett listened only to an inner muse, one that didn’t whisper beautiful lines of poetry or guitar riffs begging to be heard, but instead drove him to collect these marvels of engineering, built by a bird brain no less. Too bad his inner muse was deaf to the pissed off robins who flew in aimless circles around their missing nests.

November 5, 2013
by Lee Eiferman
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Mad Farmer

YIMG_4075ou don’t have to wander far to hear a great story. Take the one about the “Mad Farmer” who bought land in Piedmont, Italy, when he was 24 years old. That action alone created quite a stir. The Mad Farmer was a loner who liked to do things his way. For instance, he planted in sync with the moon’s cycle. Needless to say, he never married. But twenty years later, he produced the most magnificent wine that became famous in the region. It went by a name that sounded like a Renaissance painter or a member of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers.

November 1, 2013
by Lee Eiferman
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What If…?

IMG_1291What if wood was edible? Let’s take it a step further. What if wood was not only edible but also delicious? Try to imagine wood not tasting like sawdust but rather something succulent, savory.  If that was the case, if wood was part of our diet, and by diet I don’t mean a restrictive regimen but rather something that might tempt you on a menu, would cows for instance roam free? Would we build our homes with material that could be used for tonight’s dinner? And what about Christmas. Would the family sit down to feast on the evergreen? Who knows, maybe pines aren’t choice edibles.