Location: Back room of a deli.
FRED comes in carrying a heavy box of stuff. Neither MARISOL nor DANTE flex a muscle to help him.
FRED
Look at this. Look at this.
dante
When did the shipment come in?
fred
Shipment my ass. I’ve been saying it. I’ve been saying it all along…and now I got the proof. What have we here? Two five pound loafs of honey glazed Boar’s Head Ham. Three turkeys — one smoked, one maple glazed, and our weekly special.
marisol
So, what’s the problem?
FRED
(to Marisol)
You tell me.
dante
What does Marisol have to do with it?
FRED
Dante, if you know what’s good for you stay out of it.
(to Marisol)
Hope your Boyfriend got a good price for the Prosciutto. Tell him it’s Tuscan Prosciutto Crudo.
dante
Uncle Fred –
fred
Not your typical Prosciutto de Parma.
dante
You don’t want to be saying something that you might ultimately regret.
FRED
Marisol — something you wanna tell me? It’s either me or the Police. Take your pick.
dante
There’s a right way to handle this and a wrong way.
FRED
(to Dante)
What’s wrong is not being able to get a word in edge-wise on account of your budinsky nose. Stay out of it. This is between me, Marisol and my immediate family.
marisol
You got some nerve bringing your family into this.
FRED
Listen, Babe.
marisol
I am not your Babe.
fred
How do you think I’m saving for college? For, for those 4,000 dollars worth of metal cages that my kid’s got on his teeth. And my useless piece of shit wife’s day at the spa. With this. With the turkey, the parma ham, the thinly sliced Gouda cheese.
marisol
What about Dante?
dante
Excuse me?
marisol
Or the kid that works the after school shift. What’s his name?
dante
How did I get involved in this?
marisol
He’s got some white name like Evan? Edgar?
dante
You got some fuckin’ nerve.
marisol
I’m seeing an E.
dante
Bitch.
marisol
If I didn’t know you better Boss, I’d call you a racist.
FRED
Where I come from we call it accounting. You know, like one, two, three turkey loaves take away two turkey loaves…or maybe in your high school they never got that far.
marisol
Now why is it my lack of an education didn’t seem to be a problem a few weeks ago, Fred?
FRED
That is hitting below the belt.
dante
I am staying out of this. I am so staying out of this.
fred
They are two separate issues.
marisol
When you looked at me with those big brown eyes and said…
dante
(overlapping)
LA LA LA LA LA!
marisol
And now like…Somehow I have Mighty Morphed from “I can’t live without you” to the Arch Villain of the Deli counter. And you think the two are not related? Seems to me that it’s a mathematical certainty that when you take 1 man with no balls add two weeks of financial distress you’ll get one sorry-ass woman who never knew what hit her each and every time. You want to fire me? Go right ahead. But I will slam you with a sexual discrimination lawsuit so hard that it will take you till next Tuesday to catch your breath.
FRED
What are we playing chicken here? I bust you. So you threaten me with some bogus legal action?
marisol
It’s not a threat.
fred
I don’t believe you.
marisol
What’s not to believe?
fred
That you can get it together to sue me.
marisol
It’s not that complicated.
fred
Lawyers are expensive.
marisol
I got family going to law school.
fred
So you’ve thought about this.
marisol
Yes.
fred
I’m screwed.
marisol
That’s about the size of it.
fred
If I pick up the phone to call the cops then I gotta hire a lawyer which will run me four to five hundred an hour. Or I could be a complete idiot and hire that seventy-nine dollar Shyster up above the Bakery. But that’s like throwing seventy-nine dollars out the window.
marisol
Or you could stop assuming that I’m sharing your Mortadella with every boyfriend in town.
dante
Is that a confession?
marisol
No. No way. I am a God fearing woman.
dante
Then what the hell are you saying?
marisol
I’m saying if I felt like doing what it is you’ve accused me of doing there ain’t nothing you can do about it.
FRED
Bullshit.
dante
Sounds like a confession to me.
marisol
Why are you pushing so hard for a confession unless you’ve got something you want to share with us?
FRED
Come to think of it you did sign for the meat.
dante
Uncle Fred, you don’t really think that I would…
fred
Hey Bud, I love you like a nephew but take my word for it, your Dad was no angel.
dante
May he rest in peace.
marisol
Like they say, the nut doesn’t fall far from the tree.
fred/dante
Stay out of it.
We hear the RINGING of a BELL
FRED
Customers. Come on. Come on. Chop. Chop.
dante
Uncle Fred, I just want you to know that I’ve got nothing to do with it.
fred
I know. And neither does Marisol. And neither do I. In fact we’re all innocent. How about this? Since we’re all innocent, let’s chip in together to cover the cost of all that meat that keeps on disappearing into the stratosphere.
marisol
How do we know it’s disappearing?
fred
Cuz I said so. And I said it cuz it is.
dante
Since you don’t believe me why should I believe you?
fred
O.K. Fine. We’ll stay after work all three of us and we’ll compare the order with the delivery and the inventory? Now don’t that sound like a cozy Saturday night.
marisol
I don’t mind. I’ll cancel my date with the Mortadella boyfriend. Dante?
dante
I’m free as an ocean breeze.
marisol
No problem. We’ll sit in a circle counting lunch meats till the cows come home. Better yet. How about we invite your wife and kids? That way they can all learn first hand what Daddy does for a living.
fred
O.K. So…maybe it’s that kid Evan or Eddie or whatever his name is.
dante
That’s probably it.
marisol
That’s what I’ve been saying all along.
fred
Settled. I’ll fire him after school kid and in exchange my meat stops disappearing from the back room. Right?
marisol
I will not grace that with an answer cuz it still sounds like an accusation.
fred
O.K. Marisol. No hard feelings. Do we have a deal?
marisol
Don’t ask me, ask Dante.
dante
I have no problem agreeing to something that I never did in the first place.
marisol
You know what that denial sounds like to me? Sounds like a nut just fell.
dante
Easy for you to shift the blame to me especially since you’re the number one suspect.
marisol
I thought we just agreed the kid was.
fred
We did.
dante
O.K. then.
marisol
Good.
fred
Great. Now can we get to work?
marisol
Sure thing. I’ll do the register you can do the counter.
dante
You always stick me with the register for the late afternoon rush. I’m tired of it. Since we’re clearing the air today, I’m gonna take the register first.
marisol
Boss?
fred
I don’t give a shit. You two figure it out. Use ee-nee-me-ne-mighty-mo. Whatever works. Just. Get. To. Work.
marisol
Hey, Boss.
fred
What now?
Marisol
Well, usually about now we start discussing lunch? Or maybe I’m jumping the gun. But I just realized I’m kind of hungry.
fred
Marisol, Marisol…How are you gonna keep that beautiful body in shape if you keep piling on the lunch meat?
marisol
Well, maybe I’m gonna need some help working it off.
dante
I’m taking the register.
Dante exits.
Marisol and Fred are alone.
marisol
So Fred…Don’t you think it’s about time your nephew starting pursuing a new career? I mean, why would he want to be stuck behind a deli counter for the rest of his life?
fred
Or a register.
marisol
No, mostly the deli counter.
fred
So you’re getting rid of my whole staff.
marisol
Hadn’t thought of it that way.
fred
Do the math. If the after school kid is gone. And Dante leaves then it’s just you and me. You’ll be doing the work of two other people plus your own job. Is that what you want?
marisol
Fred, how about you let me bring in a new crew. You have my word; I will only hire people who will have your best interest at heart.
fred
If it was up to my Johnson I’d give you the store. But that’s not how we run a business. I don’t get you. Why are you doing this? Are you looking to destroy me cuz we had a thing?
marisol
Jeez here I was thinking I was showing some initiative. If someone’s robbing you blind and it’s not me then it’s gotta be one of them. What’s stopping them? Your nephew, well this is just an in-between job for him. And that kid after school. How long do you think he’s gonna stick around for? But you and me? We’re lifers.
fred
That’s a depressing thought. I hate to think of you being here forever.
marisol
I gotta be somewhere. Why not here? Why not? For me the Smith Street Deli is kinda like GE. Did you know they’re laying off, I don’t know, five-hundred-thousand-million workers? Some shit like that. But what if each worker demonstrated real initiative? Fred, I believe together we can make this deli an awesome place.
fred
By having me fire everyone but you?
marisol
No by letting me shape this store with you so that you make lots of money. Don’t you want to make more money?
fred
I’m no fool, Marisol.
marisol
That’s right. You’re a Superman.
fred
Marisol you’re wearing me down.
marisol
Come on. Let me help you.
fred
Look, you’re young. You’re all charged up. Ready to make your mark on the world. Like, when I first started the business, I always imagined that one day I’d take the area by the register and turn it into a café. I’d have small tables. Those wire chairs. Serve coffee. Dig up my Grandmother’s old pudding cake recipe. Turn it into some place special. But then Starbucks opened up and that kinda squashed that. So, where does that leave me? I buy the meat, the chips, the what-not. Sell it. Count the money. And read Forbes the way most people read the Bible. That’s the way it goes.
marisol
Why not bring in tables, chairs, your Grandma’s pudding receipe? We could take that corner where we sell the chips and pretzels. Get rid of that and turn it into a small stage. You and me Fred. We can be a team. The power behind the new Smith Street Deli.
fred
Marisol, I got another idea. Go. Get out of here. Take all that energy and build something just for you. Whatever you did with my lunch meats —
marisol
Or didn’t do.
fred
It’s cool. It’s water under the bridge. Provided you get the fuck out of here. But, you’ve got to promise me that you’ll never come back unless you got samples you wanna sell me. Agreed?
marisol
Woah. I did not see that coming. Just go?
fred
This minute. I’m doing you a favor.
marisol
I don’t mind hanging around till you find my replacement.
fred
We’ll manage. Now get out and make something of yourself.
The end