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Good Narrative Principles

The Sad Optometrist

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At rise

On a darkened stage. All we see is a pinpoint of light.

doctor Bob

What about now?

marie

Nope.

doctor bob

Now? Marie…Look up. 10:00. Now 12. No 2. Right. 2. Sorry.

In the darkness we hear the metallic clatter of a falling instrument.

Lights switch back on. We see Doctor Bob, dressed in a lab coat, facing away from MARIE. He’s hunched over. Breathing deliberately.

marie

Are you alright?

doctor bob

Just give me a second.

Silence as he breaths. More silence. Then…

marie

(hand over her eye)

I was outside throwing away this package when suddenly, blam, out of nowhere, this thing just flew into my eye. Just flew right in. My that hurts!

(pause, then)

The package was a gift from this couple. They just came back from a Yangtze River cruise. Long story. You O.K.?

Doctor Bob holds up his hand, still panting

marie (cont.)

Ouch. Uhm…So, this tour? All-inclusive…If you’re thinking about seeing China, it’s the way to go. Great deal.

(pain building)

Ouch…Doctor if you could ah…

doctor bob

All better now. Thank you for your patience.

Doctor Bob and Marie both lean forward at the same time. Doctor Bob can’t find his instrument.

doctor bob

Hang on. So, I take it you’re a travel agent.

Doctor Bob is pacing the room now. Looking under furniture etc. Marie’s patience is at its breaking point.

marie

Of course, what with the internet I probably should be considering a new line of work.

doctor bob

Yeah, I’ve been hearing that a lot from people lately. Oh, there it is. Come to Papa.

Doctor Bob bends down scoots his hand under an office cabinet. Has to reach.

marie

But then again, what am I going to do…I mean, practically speaking. Open up a store?

doctor bob

Deep breath.

Doctor Bob draws a deep breath. Marie does as well. He sits down.

doctor bob (cont.)

Where were we? 12 or 2? Mmm. Let’s go for 2. O.K.

marie

Ahm Doctor…Shouldn’t you turn off the light?

doctor bob

No. No need. I can see fine with the lights on.

marie

But you did turn them off before.

doctor bob

Force of habit.

marie

I see.

doctor Bob

Everyone expects that quiet dark time with their optometrist.

marie

So long as you can see. It’s my right eye.

Doctor Bob leans forward. Starts to examine her eye, then pulls back.

doctor bob

It’s just a convention really. Working in the dark. Turning off the lights.

marie

Are you alright? You seem a little bit…ahm…you know.

doctor bob

(extending out his hand palm down)

Steady as a rock. See…

Marie stands up abruptly.

marie

Guess what? My eye feels better. You must have done something because that gritty feeling in my left eye is gone. It’s just gone. Wow!

Stumbles then bangs into a chair. Doctor Bob crosses to her.

doctor bob

Sit down.

marie

No really, my eye feels better. 100% better. You’re a miracle worker.

doctor bob

I’m freaking you out. I’m sorry. It’s just… Well…Who knew when I signed up for this job I’d be working in the coal mines. Just give me a parakeet, a lunch pail and shove me back into my hole.

Marie starts to head towards the door.

marie

It’s canary.

doctor bob

Huh?

marie

You bring a canary with you down into the coal…never mind.

Doctor Bob reaches out. Grazes the sleeve of Marie’s suit jacket.

doctor bob

Come on. Give me another chance. I can  do this.

Marie starts to sit down. Pauses. They look at each other.

marie

Only if you turn off the light and pick up that thing.

doctor bob

It’s called an ophthalmoscope.

The stage goes dark.

marie (cont.)

What do you see?

doctor bob

My skull. My aging body. Falling apart. One step at a time.

Stage lights go on.

doctor bob

Hey, no one said you can touch the light switch. That’s my job.

marie

Oh yeah.

Marie flicks the lights on and off quickly. Doctor Bob puts his hand over Marie’s.

doctor bob

I’ll get to your eye. I promise. I promise.

marie

Now would be a good time.

doctor bob

I sit in the dark all day trying to figure out why I’m sitting in the dark.

marie

Sssh. Lights.

Stage lights go off.

marie

Ah-ha. There. That’s the spot.

doctor Bob

Hold still. Did you know I wanted to be an actor? When I was a kid, me and my brother used to fight over who was going to pour the wine for the guests. And I always won. Cuz I understood that when you pour the wine you have to swivel the bottle at the end. Just so. Makes for a nice little flourish. Hold still. And then my folks would laugh and say that it was good that I had a talent for serving food, it would help support me till I hit the big time.

Lights back on.

doctor bob (cont.)

How’s that?

marie

You got it.

doctor bob

If I was Charles Dickens I’d say you had a cinder in your eye. And a rather large one.

marie

A bloody large one.

doctor bob

A ripping…jolly big…bollocks of a…never mind. Here, take some of these free samples. Twice a day to the affected eye.

marie

Thank you, Doctor.

doctor bob

Call me Bob.

Marie starts to leave, then doubles back.

marie

Bob, when it’s time to suit up and head back into the coal mines, just remember me saying thank you. Thank you.

doctor bob

Thank you for your thank you Marie.

Marie

So uhm I’ll just go and pay my deductible.

Marie, ready to go, pauses. Then…

doctor bob

Marie, I realize this is like completely unethical, but I’m going to kick myself if I don’t ask you — what are you doing tonight?

marie

Oh, Doctor Bob…Well…Honestly, I really don’t think a date is what you need right now.

doctor bob

Oh, you don’t.

marie

Not yet. Maybe what you need is a vacation.

Doctor Bob realigns his tools. Squares them up as he thinks.

doctor bob

Here I was thinking that you and me had some kind of connection…

marie

I’m talking to you as one professional to another.

doctor bob

Just a vacation.

marie

Well…yeah. It’ll fix you right up. Something about bouncing in the waves, drinking those umbrella drinks.

doctor bob

Ah-ha…See the deal is…I hate traveling alone. I don’t know what to do with myself. I hate eating alone. Waking up alone.

marie

Then go with a group.

doctor bob

I hate groups.

marie

What about an optometry group?

doctor bob

I do have other interests.

marie

Such as?

doctor bob

How about we have this conversation over dinner?

marie

Not tonight.

doctor bob

Then when?

marie

After your vacation.

(long silence,then)

Not because I want to make a sale here, you understand. But it is what you need.

doctor

Well, O.K. then. Alrighty right. Book me into your favorite place. Four star. The works.

marie

Sorry, but they’re not taking reservations.

doctor bob

You think it’s out of my price range?

marie

No.

doctor bob

Cuz I make a good living.

marie

I wasn’t talking about money.

doctor bob

What then? Too exclusive? Is that it?

marie

No, I uhm…

doctor Bob

I look Greek, I know. But I happen to be of French extraction. So…no need for embarassement now, is there. I rate. I behave. Trust me.

marie

I do.

Doctor bob

So? Your favorite place. Please. None other will do. Come on. Tell me. Where is it? Acapulco? No. Too common. Wait. Wait. Uhm…I know! Fiji. Fiji islands. Right? Am I right?

marie

Nope.

doctor bob

Where?

marie

I can’t say.

doctor bob

Whisper it.

marie

My living room.

doctor bob

Your living room?

(Marie nods)

As in…you don’t like to travel.

(she nods)

I did not see that coming.

marie

What can I say? It stopped appealing to me.

doctor bob

Have you been to Tibet? The Galapagos? The North Pole?

marie

Overrated.

doctor bob

Which part?

marie

The whole thing. But that’s just me, you know. For you, it’ll be perfect. Now, with a little bit of luck and some finageling I could probably book you into…

doctor Bob

Hang on — you could go anywhere.

marie

I know. Pathetic isn’t it? You get there and then what? You take a picture. You take a deep breath. But it’s still the same air. You’re still on planet earth.

doctor bob

Meanwhile I’m here. Sitting in the dark. Waiting. Waiting for a clue, a signal. Something. What a pair.

marie

At least the parakeet is alive.

doctor bob

Parakeet. That’s a good one. I don’t want to jinx us but…We could be…What can I say?…beautiful together?

marie

You’re jinxing it.

doctor bob

Meant to be? Like two peas in a pod?

marie

Could be.

doctor bob

Are you sure you don’t want to reconsider my dinner invitation?

marie

Just for arguments sake what did you have in mind?

doctor bob

Anything. Sushi. Indian. Italian. French. Or, or…I know this one place that makes the best meatloaf.

marie

And what about the lighting?

doctor bob

Fine. Even.

marie

Hmmm…Nothing too exotic. Well-lit? Sounds like it could become our kind of place. Eer…not that “we” have a place.

doctor bob

Right. Since there’s no “we”, right?

marie

Whew.

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