woman
I had this dream last night.
man
Stop right there.
woman
What?
man
I hate listening to other people’s dreams.
woman
I didn’t know that about you.
man
Just think, for the rest of our lives you’ll never be able to tell me your dreams. Never. Ever. EEEVER.
woman
Are we doing this now?
man
Ah-ha.
woman
You’re ready?
man
Let’s get it over with. O.K. Where was I? Oh yeah, I’m like physically incapable of listening to other people’s dreams.
woman
Get out.
man
No, I mean this for real. Dreams are flabby stories.
woman
Flabby? As in fat?
man
A big fat list. It’s always like first this happened and then that happened THEN this AND that. Booring.
woman
See, that’s what I love about you.
man
No, that’s what you hate about me.
woman
I never know what you’re going to say.
man
Hey, if you’re not into it and I’m not into it, whaddya say we skip this week?
woman
We can’t. We had an agreement…
man
(overlapping)
Yeah but…
woman
…trouble shooting before the trouble. Remember?
man
But, I’m running out of stuff. Refusing to listen to dreams. You gotta admit on the scale of things it’s really chump change.
woman
Great. Now, the real work can begin.
man
I don’t know what you expect to discover about me that you don’t already know. I don’t kill. I don’t covet.
woman
You’ve never coveted your neighbor?
man
You mean like Mrs. Koperman in 4B?
woman
Come on, get serious. Dig deeper.
man
Nothing comes to mind.
woman
You want us to turn out like Joelle and Christian?
man
No. But…
woman
(interrupting)
Or Ted and Wynn?
man
You really think that pre-emptive fighting would have saved them?
woman
The book says that couples that complete the program inoculate themselves against divorce.
man
Divorce isn’t a virus.
woman
But marriage is a gamble. It’s a numbers game. So, mathematically speaking, if we stick to our agreement we should have eliminated all the major negative variables by the time we say, “I do”.
man
No, not all major variables.
woman
Oooh, so you are hiding something from me.
man
Not consciously.
woman
Then unconsciously.
man
Maybe…probably…probably for sure. You know when you’ll see my dark side?
woman
Never.
man
Wrong. It’ll happen like uhm…two days into our honeymoon. When we’re still kinda giddy, dizzy.
woman
I’ll call you husband. You’ll call me wife.
man
That’s right. BUT, but we’re itching a bit cuz the bridal suite has got bedbugs.
woman
Gross.
man
Maybe they’ve even lost our luggage.
woman
What kind of third-rate resort did you book? You booked it online, didn’t you?
man
Dear heart, I’m speaking hypothetically.
woman
Would you really choose something as important as our honeymoon suite based on pictures on a website?
man
No. Never. I promise. O.K. So, we’re walking down the street. Hot, hot street. Sun’s beating down on us. We’re practically crawling to the shade. Crawling. To. The. Shade.
woman
(thinking, then)
But for real you would never do something like that. Right? Research then book our honeymoon strictly based on a website.
man
Let it go.
woman
Well, yes or no?
man
Mmmmm…Yes.
woman
Well, buy me a vowel! That’s way more serious than not wanting to listen to a dream.
man
Good. O.K. So, pretend that you didn’t know this about me…We’re now walking down this hot street. You with me?
woman
Like glue.
man
You need a bathroom, something to drink, Christ maybe even a kidney.
woman
A kidney! Why not make it a heart?
man
Cuz it doesn’t work with the situation.
woman
You mean it gets worse than me needing a kidney?
man
You bet. You turn to me in your hour of need, because, like I’ve told you, I speak Spanish — the language of the disenfranchised. Which is what attracted you to me in the first place. Remember?
woman
Sure I do.
man
And that’s when the fun begins. Cuz the only thing I can absolutely help you with is directions to la biblioteca or la playa.
woman
I know for a fact that you speak Spanish.
man
How do you know?
woman
Cuz you’ve told me.
man
What if I’m lying?
woman
Well, are you?
man
No. But guaranteed I’m lying about something else. I gotta be. Because…because…I love you.
woman
Now you lost me.
man
This isn’t the real me, here. I’m still on my best behavior.
Starts to put on her shoes.
woman
I’m glad we had this discussion.
man
Wait, where are you going?
woman
You should probably take your ring back.
Hands it to him.
man
But I thought…
woman
A skinflint. A cheat. A liar.
man
I was making up a story. It was fiction. Pretend. A fable. To make a point.
woman
Exactly. Mister, if you can think it, if that’s where you imagination goes then…then… when…when push comes to shove, when we’re walking down that hot street, wilting in the sun, and my kidney is on the fritz, I now know that our survival will depend on me. ME! Alone. And if that’s true, then what’s the point of getting married?
man
I really do speak Spanish. I’m happy to help out. I could certainly get you through surgery.
woman
You could? You would?
man
Sure. I’m here to back you up, Baby. I’m not gonna let you go out there alone.
woman
Then, what are we arguing about?
man
We are not arguing. We are pre-emptively fighting.
woman
Of course. Right…
(collects herself, then)
Well, see? That wasn’t so bad.
man
Yeah, it was. This is supposed to be the happy phase. You know how long that lasts?
woman
Well, it better last a lifetime.
man
Wrong. It’s over just like (snap). Blink and you miss it. And instead of enjoying it, we’ve devoted each Sunday to stirring up all this muck.
woman
Muck that is central to who you are and to who I am.
man
Maybe yes. Maybe no.
woman
So, you’re saying all these weird tics that I now know about you, you’ve manufactured just for the sake of meeting your Sunday quota?
man
Well, yeah.
woman
Gee…Hmmm…I don’t know what to say. I mean on one hand, it’s not like I like fighting.
man
Pre-emptive fighting…
man
But on the flip side of the coin.
man
“Hand” stick to hand.
woman
Huh?
man
You started off with “on one hand” then you flipped to coins.
(pause)
Consistency?…Never mind, we covered that two Sunday’s ago.
(prompting)
So…You were saying…
woman
I forgot.
man
I think you were trying to work your way back to love. Maybe?
woman
Hard to say. I thought all this time we were making progress. Real progress. Getting to know each other. Getting under each other’s skin. But in a good way.
man
See! See! That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Exhibit A “getting under each other’s skin”. That’s. Always. Always. Always. Aaalways a bad thing. Period.
woman
So, what do you propose?
man
Marry me. Take the leap.
woman
Hang on. If like you say, everything you’ve revealed about yourself is made up, I guess the good news is I can at least tell you my dream.
man
Mmmm…I really don’t like hearing dreams.
woman
We’re going to have to work on that.