LeeWords

Good Narrative Principles

Bad Behavior

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woman

I had this dream last night.

man

Stop right there.

woman

What?

man

I hate listening to other people’s dreams.

woman

I didn’t know that about you.

man

Just think, for the rest of our lives you’ll never be able to tell me your dreams. Never. Ever. EEEVER.

woman

Are we doing this now?

man

Ah-ha.

woman

You’re ready?

man

Let’s get it over with. O.K. Where was I? Oh yeah, I’m like physically incapable of listening to other people’s dreams.

woman

Get out.

man

No, I mean this for real. Dreams are flabby stories.

woman

Flabby? As in fat?

man

A big fat list. It’s always like first this happened and then that happened THEN this AND that. Booring.

woman

See, that’s what I love about you.

man

No, that’s what you hate about me.

woman

I never know what you’re going to say.

man

Hey, if you’re not into it and I’m not into it, whaddya say we skip this week?

woman

We can’t. We had an agreement…

man

(overlapping)

Yeah but…

woman

…trouble shooting before the trouble. Remember?

man

But, I’m running out of stuff. Refusing to listen to dreams. You gotta admit on the scale of things it’s really chump change.

woman

Great. Now, the real work can begin.

man

I don’t know what you expect to discover about me that you don’t already know. I don’t kill. I don’t covet.

woman

You’ve never coveted your neighbor?

man

You mean like Mrs. Koperman in 4B?

woman

Come on, get serious. Dig deeper.

man

Nothing comes to mind.

woman

You want us to turn out like Joelle and Christian?

man

No. But…

woman

(interrupting)

Or Ted and Wynn?

man

You really think that pre-emptive fighting would have saved them?

woman

The book says that couples that complete the program inoculate themselves against divorce.

man

Divorce isn’t a virus.

woman

But marriage is a gamble. It’s a numbers game. So, mathematically speaking, if we stick to our  agreement we should have eliminated all the major negative variables by the time we say, “I do”.

man

No, not all major variables.

woman

Oooh, so you are hiding something from me.

man

Not consciously.

woman

Then unconsciously.

man

Maybe…probably…probably for sure. You know when you’ll see my dark side?

woman

Never.

man

Wrong. It’ll happen like uhm…two days into our honeymoon. When we’re still kinda giddy, dizzy.

woman

I’ll call you husband. You’ll call me wife.

man

That’s right. BUT, but we’re itching a bit cuz the bridal suite has got bedbugs.

woman

Gross.

man

Maybe they’ve even lost our luggage.

woman

What kind of third-rate resort did you book? You booked it online, didn’t you?

man

Dear heart, I’m speaking hypothetically.

woman

Would you really choose something as important as our honeymoon suite based on pictures on a website?

man

No. Never. I promise. O.K. So, we’re walking down the street. Hot, hot street. Sun’s beating down on us. We’re practically crawling to the shade. Crawling. To. The. Shade.

woman

(thinking, then)

But for real you would never do something like that. Right? Research then book our honeymoon strictly based on a website.

man

Let it go.

woman

Well, yes or no?

man

Mmmmm…Yes.

woman

Well, buy me a vowel! That’s way more serious than not wanting to listen to a dream.

man

Good. O.K. So, pretend that you didn’t know this about me…We’re now walking down this hot street. You with me?

woman

Like glue.

man

You need a bathroom, something to drink, Christ maybe even a kidney.

woman

A kidney! Why not make it a heart?

man

Cuz it doesn’t work with the situation.

woman

You mean it gets worse than me needing a kidney?

man

You bet. You turn to me in your hour of need, because, like I’ve told you, I speak Spanish — the language of the disenfranchised. Which is what attracted you to me in the first place. Remember?

woman

Sure I do.

man

And that’s when the fun begins. Cuz the only thing I can absolutely help you with is directions to la biblioteca or la playa.

woman

I know for a fact that you speak Spanish.

man

How do you know?

woman

Cuz you’ve told me.

man

What if I’m lying?

woman

Well, are you?

man

No. But guaranteed I’m lying about something else. I gotta be. Because…because…I love you.

woman

Now you lost me.

man

This isn’t the real me, here. I’m still on my best behavior.

Starts to put on her shoes.

woman

I’m glad we had this discussion.

man

Wait, where are you going?

woman

You should probably take your ring back.

Hands it to him.

man

But I thought…

woman

A skinflint. A cheat. A liar.

man

I was making up a story. It was fiction. Pretend. A fable. To make a point.

woman

Exactly. Mister, if you can think it, if that’s where you imagination goes then…then… when…when push comes to shove, when we’re walking down that hot street, wilting in the sun, and my kidney is on the fritz, I now know that our survival will depend on me. ME! Alone. And if that’s true, then what’s the point of getting married?

man

I really do speak Spanish. I’m happy to help out. I could certainly get you through surgery.

woman

You could? You would?

man

Sure. I’m here to back you up, Baby. I’m not gonna let you go out there alone.

woman

Then, what are we arguing about?

man

We are not arguing. We are pre-emptively fighting.

woman

Of course. Right…

(collects herself, then)

Well, see? That wasn’t so bad.

man

Yeah, it was. This is supposed to be the happy phase. You know how long that lasts?

woman

Well, it better last a lifetime.

man

Wrong. It’s over just like (snap). Blink and you miss it. And instead of enjoying it, we’ve devoted each Sunday to stirring up all this muck.

woman

Muck that is central to who you are and to who I am.

man

Maybe yes. Maybe no.

woman

So, you’re saying all these weird tics that I now know about you, you’ve manufactured just for the sake of meeting your Sunday quota?

man

Well, yeah.

woman

Gee…Hmmm…I don’t know what to say. I mean on one hand, it’s not like I like fighting.

man

Pre-emptive fighting…

man

But on the flip side of the coin.

man

“Hand” stick to hand.

woman

Huh?

man

You started off with “on one hand” then you flipped to coins.

(pause)

Consistency?…Never mind, we covered that two Sunday’s ago.

(prompting)

So…You were saying…

woman

I forgot.

man

I think you were trying to work your way back to love. Maybe?

woman

Hard to say. I thought all this time we were making progress. Real progress. Getting to know each other. Getting under each other’s skin. But in a good way.

man

See! See! That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Exhibit A “getting under each other’s skin”. That’s. Always. Always. Always. Aaalways a bad thing. Period.

woman

So, what do you propose?

man

Marry me. Take the leap.

woman

Hang on. If like you say, everything you’ve revealed about yourself is made up, I guess the good news is I can at least tell you my dream.

man

Mmmm…I really don’t like hearing dreams.

woman

We’re going to have to work on that.

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