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Good Narrative Principles

Moving Sale

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ext. driveway – day

Harsh afternoon light on a row of barely used lawn mowers and collections of stuff. 60’s posters, beer mugs, ashtrays. Not much has sold.

I Wanna Be Sedated is blaring from a stereo system that’s for sale.

THELMA (late 30’s), blonde hair indifferently caught in a patchwork of barrettes, looks spent. She sits on a Western-style saddle reading the label on a half-burnt stogy.

thelma

Joe Cocker.

Thelma lights the burnt end of the cigar and waves it at a swarm of Mayflies. They scatter.  Encouraged Thelma stands and starts waving the stinky cigar smoke around.

It works. A GROUP of BUYERS drift back towards their cars.

Robin, stout (50’s) and GOAT, sporting a waist-length silver braid (50’s), survey the offerings with a professional and jaundiced eye. They are dressed in matching Harley Davidson branded t-shirts. Robin unrolls a Fillmore West poster and eyes it.

Robin

How much you want for this?

Thelma takes the poster from the Robin.

thelma

Not for sale.

Robin

But I thought…

thelma

Yeah well, it was and now it’s not.

Thelma rolls the poster up indifferently and tosses it on top of the carton near her foot.

Robin

I’d be careful with that.

Thelma blinks awake to the hint of money.

thelma

Oh yeah! Really.

Robin returns to picking through things. In her silence, she plays Thelma like a hooked fish.

thelma

Wait. Wait. Just tell me how much it’s worth. I don’t have a clue. Honest.

Robin

Iz cool. You wanna keep it, keep it. It was one bodacious concert, ‘thou. Yo Goat, we’re heading out.

Goat is enmeshed in Gameboy and is reluctant to stop.

Robin

Goat, now!

Robin pries the Gameboy from Goat and starts to head to the curb. Meanwhile Thelma chimes in…

thelma

Hey! Come back. I’m just cleaning house here. Just emptying out his rooms. I’m dealing with things — ALL RIGHT!

Robin

Cupcake, I’ve been to thousands of these Saturdays. He left you…what? Like, two weeks ago.

thelma

More like four.

Robin

Woah! You have got it bad.

thelma

But now I’m over it.

Robin

That’s the ticket. Getting rid of all his stuff? That’s a healing thing. If I were in your boots, first thing I’d do is ditch all his twisted stuff. The magazines. The posters. The stuff that’s so him. But hey, if you’re not ready yet then…

thelma

I’m ready. Take the poster. Take it. I don’t give a hoot.

Thelma picks up the poster. Is about to hand it to the Robin, but changes her mind.

Robin

It’s like, it’s like when you wipe out. Right? Gorgeous day, then bam. You’re staring at God saying your Hail Marys. O.K. so you wiped out. First order of business is to immobilize what’s broken. Immobilize him. Sell his crap. Everything he loves. Get him where it hurts.

Thelma hands the poster to the Robin.

thelma

It’s just a thing. It’s not going to bring him back. Consider it a gift.

Robin

No can do, Sugarplum. I have a reputation to uphold. How does 25 sound? 25 for a stupid poster, that’s just gonna kill him when he realizes it’s gone.

As Robin counts out the money into Thelma’s hand, Thelma fights back tears.

thelma

He came to me with all these things. A whole lifetime’s worth. I’m choking in it. See this stogy? Leon Russell smoked it.

Robin

That’s gonna gross out your customers. Give me that.

Robin tosses it into the garbage. Perfect shot.

Robin

Oh yeah, while my pea brain is ruminating on this issue…the posters? The old albums? Worth. A. Ton. Here’s my card. When you’re ready to do business…call.

thelma

Expect a call in about five years.

Robin

Five years! You’d think he was Mahatma Gandhi.

thelma

If Mahatma Gandhi met him he would wash his feet. Buddha would anoint him with oils. Jesus would drag his recycling to the curb.

goat

(whistling)

Red alert. Over here.

Robin

Hold that thought.

Robin runs to Goat who has unearthed a treasure trove of old albums from the 60’s.

Thelma

Ah, ah…hang on! A lot of those albums aren’t for sale.

Robin ignores Thelma and signals to Goat to continue looking. The two plunge in.

Thelma, depressed crosses back to the stereo and cranks up the volume.

voice (off)

Hey! Hey!

thelma

Yeah.

Thelma turns and sees…

PHIL (60’s) holding a clutch of freshly caught fish in one hand and his tackle box in the other.

phil

I’m your neighbor ‘cross the street. Phil?

thelma

Pleased to meet you Phil.

phil

Mind lowering the music?

thelma

No problem. That’s quite a catch.

Thelma crosses to the stereo and turns the volume knob.

phil

Hmmm?

thelma

I said today must have been your lucky day.

phil

Ah, yeah. Right. Look, I got a question for you.

thelma

About the stereo? This baby has never eaten one tape yet. Betcha you own a lot of tapes.

Phil stands next to a gas-powered lawn mower.

phil

Not interested.

thelma

CD player works like a button.

phil

About this lawn mower.

thelma

I’ll even toss in the CDs.

phil

Young lady…

thelma

Thelma.

phil

Thelma, mind telling me where you got this?

thelma

Ah, yes. The lawn mower. It came from the garage.

phil

All of them?

thelma

Yup. If you want to know more, I’d tell you to ask my husband about that but he’s not here.

phil

Well, how can I reach him?

thelma

I couldn’t say.

phil

So, these lawn mowers just appeared in your garage.

thelma

That’s right. I found all of them lined up in the back.

phil

Just sitting there gathering dust?

thelma

That’s my husband for you. Who else would collect lawn mowers?

Phil leans against the lawn mower now. Shakes his head in disbelief.

thelma

Uhm…is that by any chance…

phil

(completing her thought)

Yes. I believe it is.

thelma

So how did it get…

phil

That’s what I’d like to know.

thelma

You sure it’s yours?

phil

Well, it’s the same make. Same model. Same dent in the front. And mine happens to be missing. Went to use it first thing two weeks ago and it was gone. Vanished. No sign of a break-in. It just simply wasn’t there.

thelma

Well, I’m sorry for your loss, but it still doesn’t necessarily prove that this lawn mower is yours.

phil

Well, uhm, ah…I’ve got the receipt to prove it.

thelma

If you don’t mind.

phil

O.K. I’ll go upstairs and get it, but first I’d really like to speak to the man of house.

Phil now crosses to where Thelma is sitting. Bends down, parks the tackle box near the stereo. Turns off the stereo. His eyes are full of menace.

phil

Better yet, how about the Cops settle this.

thelma

Go ahead. Call ‘em. Maybe they can find him, cuz I sure as shit don’t know where he is. He just up and disappeared. Kind of like your lawn mower.

phil

You didn’t even get a goodbye?

thelma

That’s none of your business.

phil

What if he’s dead?

thelma

He’s not dead. He told me he was leaving.

phil

Oh! So you did get a goodbye.

thelma

Like I said…

phil

How do I know you’re telling the truth?

thelma

About what? About your lawn mower? About my husband? You think the two of us were like in cahoots? O.K. Just for a second say I was a criminal, how stupid do you think I’d have to be to sell your stolen goods right under your eye balls. You know what? Take your fuckin’ lawn mower.

Phil

O.K. I will.

Phil grips the handle of his lawn mower. Wheels it away too quickly and nearly trips over the curb. A second later…

thelma

Hey wait a sec…ah, Bob.

phil

It’s Phil.

thelma

Yeah, Phil. Ah, you said that there was no sign of a break-in? So, how’d he get in?

phil

I don’t know. And I don’t care. I got my lawn mower back, so…

thelma

Hang on. So, if this lawn mower was stolen, and like you said my husband stole it, then he had to break in. I mean assuming that you lock your garage door. You do lock it, right?

phil

Yeah. But it’s a simple, you know, unlock handle and twist thing-a-ma-bob. Doesn’t require an advanced degree in locksmithery to pick it.

thelma

But my husband doesn’t know how to pick locks.

phil

Well, evidently he does.

thelma

No, he doesn’t. Cuz if he did then we wouldn’t have had to wait 45 minutes in the freezing cold for an emergency locksmith to haul his ass up the mountain, because Dave, that’s my husband’s name, Dave forgot the keys to his cozy mountain retreat. The key to the front door. So, what I’m trying to say… what I’m really trying to figure out here is…if Dave knew how to pick locks, then he would have certainly picked the lock of his front door so that we could get inside and and do those things that people do on their first serious weekend date. You know?

phil

Maybe he went to night school.

thelma

That’s impossible. Because we did everything together. We were so close. We shared everything.

phil

Yeah, but now the time has come for you to move on. It happens. It’s like the great circle of life. Oh and you should probably return the other lawn mowers. Cuz dollars to doughnuts they belong to your other neighbors.

thelma

Yeah, I figured.

Phil waves goodbye and leaves with the lawn mower. Thelma reaches over, turns on her stereo and sees…

Phil’s tackle box…

thelma

(yelling over the music)

Ah, Phil?

Phil turns.

thelma

Never mind.

Phil waves goodbye. Thelma kicks the tackle box so that it’s hidden behind the stereo.

A few moments pass. Thelma notices Robin and Goat still pouring over the album collection. Thelma approaches

thelma

Uhm…Sir?

Goat

Yeah?

thelma

Ever fish? Are you a fisherman? An angler?

Goat

Sometimes.

thelma

Could I interest you in a fine barely used tackle box?

© Lee Eiferman, 2004

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