ext. driveway – day
Harsh afternoon light on a row of barely used lawn mowers and collections of stuff. 60’s posters, beer mugs, ashtrays. Not much has sold.
I Wanna Be Sedated is blaring from a stereo system that’s for sale.
THELMA (late 30’s), blonde hair indifferently caught in a patchwork of barrettes, looks spent. She sits on a Western-style saddle reading the label on a half-burnt stogy.
thelma
Joe Cocker.
Thelma lights the burnt end of the cigar and waves it at a swarm of Mayflies. They scatter. Encouraged Thelma stands and starts waving the stinky cigar smoke around.
It works. A GROUP of BUYERS drift back towards their cars.
Robin, stout (50’s) and GOAT, sporting a waist-length silver braid (50’s), survey the offerings with a professional and jaundiced eye. They are dressed in matching Harley Davidson branded t-shirts. Robin unrolls a Fillmore West poster and eyes it.
Robin
How much you want for this?
Thelma takes the poster from the Robin.
thelma
Not for sale.
Robin
But I thought…
thelma
Yeah well, it was and now it’s not.
Thelma rolls the poster up indifferently and tosses it on top of the carton near her foot.
Robin
I’d be careful with that.
Thelma blinks awake to the hint of money.
thelma
Oh yeah! Really.
Robin returns to picking through things. In her silence, she plays Thelma like a hooked fish.
thelma
Wait. Wait. Just tell me how much it’s worth. I don’t have a clue. Honest.
Robin
Iz cool. You wanna keep it, keep it. It was one bodacious concert, ‘thou. Yo Goat, we’re heading out.
Goat is enmeshed in Gameboy and is reluctant to stop.
Robin
Goat, now!
Robin pries the Gameboy from Goat and starts to head to the curb. Meanwhile Thelma chimes in…
thelma
Hey! Come back. I’m just cleaning house here. Just emptying out his rooms. I’m dealing with things — ALL RIGHT!
Robin
Cupcake, I’ve been to thousands of these Saturdays. He left you…what? Like, two weeks ago.
thelma
More like four.
Robin
Woah! You have got it bad.
thelma
But now I’m over it.
Robin
That’s the ticket. Getting rid of all his stuff? That’s a healing thing. If I were in your boots, first thing I’d do is ditch all his twisted stuff. The magazines. The posters. The stuff that’s so him. But hey, if you’re not ready yet then…
thelma
I’m ready. Take the poster. Take it. I don’t give a hoot.
Thelma picks up the poster. Is about to hand it to the Robin, but changes her mind.
Robin
It’s like, it’s like when you wipe out. Right? Gorgeous day, then bam. You’re staring at God saying your Hail Marys. O.K. so you wiped out. First order of business is to immobilize what’s broken. Immobilize him. Sell his crap. Everything he loves. Get him where it hurts.
Thelma hands the poster to the Robin.
thelma
It’s just a thing. It’s not going to bring him back. Consider it a gift.
Robin
No can do, Sugarplum. I have a reputation to uphold. How does 25 sound? 25 for a stupid poster, that’s just gonna kill him when he realizes it’s gone.
As Robin counts out the money into Thelma’s hand, Thelma fights back tears.
thelma
He came to me with all these things. A whole lifetime’s worth. I’m choking in it. See this stogy? Leon Russell smoked it.
Robin
That’s gonna gross out your customers. Give me that.
Robin tosses it into the garbage. Perfect shot.
Robin
Oh yeah, while my pea brain is ruminating on this issue…the posters? The old albums? Worth. A. Ton. Here’s my card. When you’re ready to do business…call.
thelma
Expect a call in about five years.
Robin
Five years! You’d think he was Mahatma Gandhi.
thelma
If Mahatma Gandhi met him he would wash his feet. Buddha would anoint him with oils. Jesus would drag his recycling to the curb.
goat
(whistling)
Red alert. Over here.
Robin
Hold that thought.
Robin runs to Goat who has unearthed a treasure trove of old albums from the 60’s.
Thelma
Ah, ah…hang on! A lot of those albums aren’t for sale.
Robin ignores Thelma and signals to Goat to continue looking. The two plunge in.
Thelma, depressed crosses back to the stereo and cranks up the volume.
voice (off)
Hey! Hey!
thelma
Yeah.
Thelma turns and sees…
PHIL (60’s) holding a clutch of freshly caught fish in one hand and his tackle box in the other.
phil
I’m your neighbor ‘cross the street. Phil?
thelma
Pleased to meet you Phil.
phil
Mind lowering the music?
thelma
No problem. That’s quite a catch.
Thelma crosses to the stereo and turns the volume knob.
phil
Hmmm?
thelma
I said today must have been your lucky day.
phil
Ah, yeah. Right. Look, I got a question for you.
thelma
About the stereo? This baby has never eaten one tape yet. Betcha you own a lot of tapes.
Phil stands next to a gas-powered lawn mower.
phil
Not interested.
thelma
CD player works like a button.
phil
About this lawn mower.
thelma
I’ll even toss in the CDs.
phil
Young lady…
thelma
Thelma.
phil
Thelma, mind telling me where you got this?
thelma
Ah, yes. The lawn mower. It came from the garage.
phil
All of them?
thelma
Yup. If you want to know more, I’d tell you to ask my husband about that but he’s not here.
phil
Well, how can I reach him?
thelma
I couldn’t say.
phil
So, these lawn mowers just appeared in your garage.
thelma
That’s right. I found all of them lined up in the back.
phil
Just sitting there gathering dust?
thelma
That’s my husband for you. Who else would collect lawn mowers?
Phil leans against the lawn mower now. Shakes his head in disbelief.
thelma
Uhm…is that by any chance…
phil
(completing her thought)
Yes. I believe it is.
thelma
So how did it get…
phil
That’s what I’d like to know.
thelma
You sure it’s yours?
phil
Well, it’s the same make. Same model. Same dent in the front. And mine happens to be missing. Went to use it first thing two weeks ago and it was gone. Vanished. No sign of a break-in. It just simply wasn’t there.
thelma
Well, I’m sorry for your loss, but it still doesn’t necessarily prove that this lawn mower is yours.
phil
Well, uhm, ah…I’ve got the receipt to prove it.
thelma
If you don’t mind.
phil
O.K. I’ll go upstairs and get it, but first I’d really like to speak to the man of house.
Phil now crosses to where Thelma is sitting. Bends down, parks the tackle box near the stereo. Turns off the stereo. His eyes are full of menace.
phil
Better yet, how about the Cops settle this.
thelma
Go ahead. Call ‘em. Maybe they can find him, cuz I sure as shit don’t know where he is. He just up and disappeared. Kind of like your lawn mower.
phil
You didn’t even get a goodbye?
thelma
That’s none of your business.
phil
What if he’s dead?
thelma
He’s not dead. He told me he was leaving.
phil
Oh! So you did get a goodbye.
thelma
Like I said…
phil
How do I know you’re telling the truth?
thelma
About what? About your lawn mower? About my husband? You think the two of us were like in cahoots? O.K. Just for a second say I was a criminal, how stupid do you think I’d have to be to sell your stolen goods right under your eye balls. You know what? Take your fuckin’ lawn mower.
Phil
O.K. I will.
Phil grips the handle of his lawn mower. Wheels it away too quickly and nearly trips over the curb. A second later…
thelma
Hey wait a sec…ah, Bob.
phil
It’s Phil.
thelma
Yeah, Phil. Ah, you said that there was no sign of a break-in? So, how’d he get in?
phil
I don’t know. And I don’t care. I got my lawn mower back, so…
thelma
Hang on. So, if this lawn mower was stolen, and like you said my husband stole it, then he had to break in. I mean assuming that you lock your garage door. You do lock it, right?
phil
Yeah. But it’s a simple, you know, unlock handle and twist thing-a-ma-bob. Doesn’t require an advanced degree in locksmithery to pick it.
thelma
But my husband doesn’t know how to pick locks.
phil
Well, evidently he does.
thelma
No, he doesn’t. Cuz if he did then we wouldn’t have had to wait 45 minutes in the freezing cold for an emergency locksmith to haul his ass up the mountain, because Dave, that’s my husband’s name, Dave forgot the keys to his cozy mountain retreat. The key to the front door. So, what I’m trying to say… what I’m really trying to figure out here is…if Dave knew how to pick locks, then he would have certainly picked the lock of his front door so that we could get inside and and do those things that people do on their first serious weekend date. You know?
phil
Maybe he went to night school.
thelma
That’s impossible. Because we did everything together. We were so close. We shared everything.
phil
Yeah, but now the time has come for you to move on. It happens. It’s like the great circle of life. Oh and you should probably return the other lawn mowers. Cuz dollars to doughnuts they belong to your other neighbors.
thelma
Yeah, I figured.
Phil waves goodbye and leaves with the lawn mower. Thelma reaches over, turns on her stereo and sees…
Phil’s tackle box…
thelma
(yelling over the music)
Ah, Phil?
Phil turns.
thelma
Never mind.
Phil waves goodbye. Thelma kicks the tackle box so that it’s hidden behind the stereo.
A few moments pass. Thelma notices Robin and Goat still pouring over the album collection. Thelma approaches
thelma
Uhm…Sir?
Goat
Yeah?
thelma
Ever fish? Are you a fisherman? An angler?
Goat
Sometimes.
thelma
Could I interest you in a fine barely used tackle box?
© Lee Eiferman, 2004